My Life, My Secret
by clutzyclutz
Summary: What if the show didn't tell us everything about what happened to Kensi when she was abducted?  What if something terrible happened?  Something she never told the team.  Mentions of rape and foul language.  Not a romance fic!  Not yet anyway
1. Chapter 1

**This is a story about what may have happened when Kensi was abducted in Deliverance. This is story will not totally correlate with the actually episode. Mentions of Rape, and fool lanague.**

**I don't own Ncis La, nor any of the characters. I don't make money off of anything I write, all though it would be nice!**

I was shivering in both fear and cold. He was looming over me, looking into my eyes. The bastard had a smug smile on his face. A type of smile that said, I just opened up my favorite birthday present. He knelt down next to me and touched my cheek almost gently. If I didn't know any better I would say it was a loving touch. I would only be trying to fool myself, make the stark fear lessen. Sadly, I knew that wouldn't happen. My fate being captive as a female wouldn't spare me any pain. I had hoped, no I had prayed, that it would but looking into those sadistic eyes I knew I was going to be in pain.

The prickwas now leering at me in a sickening way. His hands started to roam my body and at that moment tears started to well up in my eyes. I refused to let them fall though; I would not give him the satisfaction. That notion didn't last long once he started unbottening my shirt and pants.

"Please, Please you don't have to do this", I begged in vain.

I listened as he just laughed and proceded to take off his pants. All that I could do was stare at him member. Fully erect and huge. More tears started to fall as a roughly pushed to fingers into me. The son of a bitch forcfully shoved more fingers and then slid his member into me hard. The pain was unbarable.

"No, No please stop! God stop", I screamed!

He just pushed himself in me more with much more force. Just when I thought the pain couldn't get anymore intense he pushed one last time and came inside of me.

"No", I yelled!

Crying I woke up with the blanket kicked off of me and onto the floor.

**Please review and let me know if I should continue! This is my first story for Ncis La and I hope I did the show a little bit of justice. I hope you all enjoyed!**

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	2. Chapter 2

**This is a story about what may have happened when Kensi was abducted in Deliverance. This is story will not totally correlate with the actually episode. Mentions of Rape, and fool lanague.**

**I don't own Ncis La, nor any of the characters. I don't make money off of anything I write, all though it would be nice!**

I walked over to my mirror and stared at my reflection. Sad, lonely and fearful eyes gaze right back at me. Never have I ever felt such self-pity for myself. Although, I would never admit it to anyone I was truly scared; to be honest I still am. I am a women, I have been in this business a while, and I understand the danger any woman would face if they found themselves in my situation. I was held hostage by men, I was lucky only one found there way to me. If I'm being frank, I never would have truly thought having sex would hurt. I know I wasn't aroused and that played a part in the pain. Truthfully, I wish that maybe he would have tried to let me enjoy it. NO NO NO, I would be angry at myself had I found pleasure in the act. It may have made the pain go away but mentally I would be in even more pain. God, I guess I'm glad that it was me and say not an innocent civilian. I was taught how to handle the pain, bottle up my emotions and put them aside; bystanders don't have that same training.

An internal war has been going on through my head. Should I talk to my team or should I carry this burden alone. Well hear it goes, if I tell them, they will feel guilty about what happened. If I don't, I'm a danger to them and myself. I won't be able to stay focused and well I could even freeze up in a situation. Dammit! This choice! I feel that I should tell them for their safety but for my own safety I want to keep this to myself. Every person is entitled to a secret, but mine could potentially affect my work.

I stare into the black sky and suddenly I realize that it is still dark. I was roused for another peaceful sleep with a nightmare. Laying back in bed I make up my mind, I have to tell at least Deeks tomorrow he's my partner. He needs to know in case we are out in the field together and I freeze up. Closing my eyes I enter I restless sleep. Visions of the attack keep plaguing me. Soon though I'm at a lone rode and it's just that and myself. So I walk down it.

**Walking down this deserted rode, **

_Slowly I descend the path_

**I hope to just disappear**

_I feel pain and hurt that I wish I could escape_

**into the nights shadows.**

_The dark is void of any light, I would be unseen_

**Each second of every minute,**

_tick, tick_

**that goes into every hour,**

_tick tock, tick tock_

**that turns into each day**

_chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp_

**is a battle to survive.**

_swords and riffles at the ready._

**My mind is telling me to stop**

_It just wants to shut down _

**but my heart is a traitor**

_like Benedict Arnold_

**and it keeps on fighting.**

_against me._

**My body doesn't even register**

_It's just blank_

**the war that it is partaking in.  
**_it has no idea that I want to just give up and hide._

**Internal demons keep pulling me**

_Flashbacks of the past swirl around my mind_

**into everlasting darkness,**

_where nothing is there_

**but angels rush to my aid to stop the falling.**

_faith and hope act against the sadness and disappear._

**The heart is the hero to the angels**

_A mighty victor for the light_

**but something wicked to the devil.**

_a damn sinner to the dark though._

**It keeps me from fully disappearing into the night**

_Every beat is my saving grace_

**and is an ally to my guardian protectors**

_my strength and those that surround me_

**combating the forces of my inner perils.**

_the trust issues that I have._

**At the end of the rode,**

_Finally the journey is ending_

**the battle ends as the night dies when darkness leaves**

_the images, pain and evil thoughts fade when the black is gone_

**and the morning is reborn when light creeps into the sky.**

_better thoughts, faith and hope enter my mind when the sun rises._

I wake again and the sky is bright and full of life. No clouds in the sky; not a shimmer of darkness. Soon, I think that maybe it will bring me strength to confide in my partner. For the both of us.

**I hope that everyone liked the chapter! The poem is original! I hope it's good. Please review!**

**:)**


	3. Chapter 3

**This is a story about what may have happened when Kensi was abducted in Deliverance. This story will not totally correlate with the actually episode. Mentions of Rape, and fool language.**

**I don't own Ncis La, nor any of the characters. I don't make money off of anything I write, all though it would be nice!**

_"I wake again and the sky is bright and full of life. No clouds in the sky; not a shimmer of darkness. Soon, I think that maybe it will bring me strength to confide in my partner. For the both of us."_

Driving into work, I feel a sense of dread. I know that I have to tell my team; it's not safe for me not to. Maybe, what I should do is talk to Deeks first. He should be the first to know; it's only fair. Entering the building, I feel even worse than I did driving. I didn't think that was even possible! Walking in the doors I spot Hetty, and I feel that I should ask her first if I can talk to Deeks outside of the office.

"Hetty, can I ask you a favor", I ask?

"You may, Ms. Blye",Hetty responded.

"I was wondering if I could talk to Deeks, but somewhere a little more privately", I asked a bit unsure?

Hetty just shook her head and walked off. She said something about coffee and a little, park bench. I'm assuming she was suggesting us getting coffee and going to a park. It's Hetty, so one can never be sure.

"Deeks! I was wondering if we could step out for a minute and talk about something. Don't worry I asked Hetty; she knows and approves", I quickly asked?

"Sure, Kens. Oh and when does Hetty never know where we are", he teased lightly.

I just smiled timidly at him. I think he knows that something is wrong. He always jokes around to hide his real feelings, but deep down, he has a great sense of every-ones feelings. We drove to the park just like Hetty suggested and sat down on a brown, wooden bench.

"Deeks, there is something that I haven't told anyone about and I think that I should. I'm going to have to tell everyone eventually. Since your my partner though, I thought that I should make you aware of what's going on first", I said.

"Sure Kens, you know that you can tell me anything", Deeks said sincerely.

"You remember the case where I was taken? I know you all received a video of me standing in a room. You probably wondered why I was just standing around and not trying to escape. Later when you found me, you most likely figured out that I couldn't move do to the laser's. There was a small window, where I wasn't on video. You didn't see everything that went on there Deeks. God, it was horrible. I knew what was going to happen Deeks; I'm a woman! It was obvious that they were going to hurt me", I said quietly.

*************************************DOV*************************************

Deeks just stared at Kensi in shock, trying to absorb everything she just told him. Confusion was evident in his eyes, until that confusion turned into one of pure horror, guilt and sadness.

"Damn, Kens. I wish I would've known. If we, no I, would have found you sooner... If I would have went with them instead of you, this wouldn't of happened. This is all my fault Kens. I''m so sorry", Deeks said sadly.

"No-no- no-no! Deeks! I don't want you to blame yourself! How could you even think that it's your fault? They were going to take me either way Deeks. Don't do this to yourself please",Kensi begged .

"I'll try not to blame myself. Not going to make that promise because I don't know if I can stop. For you, I'll try. I'm glad that you told me Kens. I can help you now. You said that you were going to tell everyone. Are you ready for that", Deeks asked?

"Yes, I think it's something that I have to do. I gave it a lot of thought Deeks and well I need to. Not just for myself, but for all of you. You see, I'm not at the top of my game right now. What if I have a flash back at a scene. I could put you all in danger. If I tell you all what's going on, it will maybe keep everyone a little bit safer", Kensi said this with conviction.

Deeks nodded his head in agreeance, and the two of them headed back. Kensi didn't need to go into detail. They both knew exactly what she was talking about. No doubt, the guys and Hetty will be all over her making sure that she's okay. It didn't take a genius to figure out that she was holding back her pain, trying to put up a front. If it worked for her, he wouldn't question it. Until he needed to of course. He couldn't even argue with her logic. It made sense why she was telling the team. He of course, just wished, it was because she wanted to; not because she felt she had to, to keep them safe. That was Kensi though, always looking out for others and not herself.

Driving back to Ops was a quiet affair. The tension Kensi was radiating was immense. Deeks couldn't even fathom the fear Kensi was feeling. He just wished that he knew what she was thinking. It would make it a lot easier to calm her down. Kensi is Kensi though, she keeps everything she's feeling bottled up. Glancing at her, he saw a tear slipping past her carefully constructed mask. The pain that his partner must be feeling in order to make her emotions clearly visible is heart wrenching to witness.

"Want to tell me what that head of yours is thinking", Deeks asked?

It took a minute for Kensi to answer. She was most likely trying to figure out if it would be worth it to lie to him. "I'm just confused Deeks. I'm nervous, afraid, filled with shame, and anger. The classic feelings of a victim; something I thought I would never be. Here I am though, a victim. It's a shitty feeling. I now know that sometimes the words of comfort we whisper into the ears of victims, isn't good enough to help them. Words Deeks! That's all we give them. We are supposed to help them heal, make them feel safe; words can't bring safety to a person. I never realized that, until I was put into the same position as them", Kensi said angrily and pained.

Deeks just stared at her; silently absorbing everything that she just said. In a way what she said made sense. We don't offer much more then words to comfort victims. That wasn't their job. In a way though, isn't. Every person that goes into law enforcement wants to help people. Make the people safe. Does safety mean, even after the crime was committed? It does! Dammit, that wasn't something he ever thought of. Of course he was good with victims. Just when they were in the hospital. Never once had he met them after they were hurt to check on them. He would make sure that he did from now on. If he could make them feel safe, and content with words of consolence, his presence weeks or months later may make them feel even better.

"Kens, I think your right. Words are just words. We need to start doing more for victims, and their families. Maybe we could start something at ops. I'm going to talk to Hetty about it. Starting a group for all the victims we see. It could help them heal," Deeks said.

Deeks saw Kensi smile in the mirror at him. That smile however, faltered when they reached ops. She put back her mask and her walls. The hell of telling the team came crashing down on the both of them. Even more so for Kensi. Hopefully all will go well.

**Please Review! Next up Kensi tells the team along with Deeks! Hope you all like it!**

**:)**

**Check out this site my friends made it's really cool! I have written for it! **

**********.com/site/passioncreations93/**


	4. Chapter 4

**This is a story about what may have happened when Kensi was abducted in Deliverance. This story will not totally correlate with the actually episode. Mentions of Rape, and fool lanague.**

**I don't own Ncis La, nor any of the characters. I don't make money off of anything I write, all though it would be nice!**

*****************************************KPOV***************************************

Walking into the building, I feel such an immense sense of dread wash over me. I almost want to run away and never come back, but that is not who I am; I am, Kensi, strong, fearless, and rational. The rational and right thing to do is tell the team; no matter how much it hurts me. Deeks is with me, and he will help me tell the rest of the team; if of course I need help.

Sam and Callen are both down stairs, practicing some martial arts. I love watching any member of the team sparring each other. It shows how well trained we all are, and our ability to do our job. Knowing how to defend ourselves is imperative in this career. Yet, my extensive training failed me miserably; that angers me greatly, because it shouldn't have failed me. Nope, not again; I have gone down this road, though, and sadly it has and will always get me know where. I guess, now, the only thing to do is tell Callen and Sam.

"Hey guys, I was, I mean, Deeks and I, well I mean I, need to talk to you both about something," I stated nervously.

Both guys immediately must have registered my nervous demeanor because they instantly stopped what they were doing. "Sure Kens, wanna talk here or upstairs," Callen asked?

I thought about this for a second, and decided that it was more private down here. In response to his question I just raised my eyebrows and sat down on the floor. Callen, Sam, and Deeks just chuckled at me and sat down next to and in front of me. Sam just looked at me and nodded towards me; I took that as me cue to start talking.

"Well, I'm sure you all remember the case when I was kidnapped," I asked? Callen and Sam just looked at me with an agreeing nod. I continued on, "I know you guys saw some of the time I was held captive. I, however, was not always on camera. There was a part that you guys did not see; I already told Deeks about it but now it is your turn to hear it too. I am sorry, there is no easy way to hear this; nor is it easy for me to say, but I have to be blunt, because it is needed to be done that way. I was sexually assaulted: Raped and humiliated."

I waited for the both of them to say something to me. Anything was better than seeing the horror in the eyes of both of my team members. Even Deeks still harbored the horror in the depths of his soul, and I already told him. God, I feel so guilty burdening them all with this secret that I wanted to keep to myself, but they needed to hear it.

Callen was the first to the break the silence, "Jeez, Kens, I-I'm sorry. I'm sure that isn't what you want to hear but it's all I can say. Oh and I wish they weren't dead because I would love to get my hands on them. The things I would do; they would be begging for mercy. Son of a bitch! God, if we just got there faster or if one of us went in your place this wouldn't have happened!" I listened to him calmly start and I continued to listen as he ended in a fit of extreme rage.

I shook my head, and was about to say something, when I was startled by Sam jumping up and slamming his fist against the wall and yelling a, "Dammit." The fury in his eyes and stance is not shocking at all. I knew it was coming; it was inevitable. Once he regains control over his emotions he sits back down; his mask is once again firmly in place. It's funny; really, we all have the mask; the one that hardly ever falls down; only in times of great emotional anguish. I look towards everyone and see the mask back in place; I know mine is as well. It is a hazard of the job, becoming emotionless, or I should say emotionally guarded.

Each of my team members stare at me as a slowly rise from my seated position; it is creepy because, even though I can't see them, I can feel their gaze linger on me. I walk with an even pace to the back of the room; where all the medical equipment is located. With no words, I open the freezer and pick out the ice bag and walk back over to Sam. I smile at him and hand him the ice; he must have known that it wasn't up for debate because he wordlessly took it out of my hand and applied it to his hand.

I think for a moment about my next words and decided to not censor them. Honesty right now is probably the best policy. Yes, I know, it sounds corny; it is the truth though. "Okay, well I'm sure you all are wondering why I'm telling you this anyway. The answer is simple and makes sense to me. You all need to know; you put your faith in me in the field and if I can't be honest with you then that faith might break. Wow, that sounded a lot better in my head; anyway, I figured that in case I hesitate or I break-down you guys will know why. It seemed safer this way." I think for a moment and then add; "Besides it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders now that you know. I don't have to hide it anymore. Oh and by the way, in no way do I blame any of you. Callen, Sam, or you, Deeks, it was not your fault. I don't want you to blame yourselves at all. Please."

I stare into each of their eyes, and wait until I'm sure they agree with me. It doesn't take them long at all; deep down I think they understand why I begged them not to feel guilty. They know that it's easier for me.

I sigh, get up and walk away. I guess it's now time to tell Hetty. She is my boss and has the right to know. She also is a woman so it will be a lot easier to talk to her than it was to talk to the group of guys on my team. I see her at her desk; watch her look at me and with a knowing smile, nod in the direction of the chair. I walk to the chair and sit down and start talking.

**Please review! Does anyone want to have a chapter with Kensi telling Hetty? Or do you prefer I skip it? I hope you all enjoyed this chapter!**


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